Let me preface this post by pointing out the fact that it is round about 1:00 AM and I am still wide awake. Almost every single post on our blog is scheduled on Saturday nights, so for me to be up and blogging, something is bothering me. Mr. Burgher has pointed out to me that usually our posts are about farting rainbows, and sorry friends, but this is NOT one of those. Bitter Beck reared her head tonight.
Today was Good Friday, but for me, it ended not so “good”. I had two meltdowns that would make any meltdown by Miss A pale in comparison, and that girl has had a few classic ones.
One of them was on a park bench well past dark in front of the local grocery store. All because I am having medical issues that are causing a lot of nuisances in my life. All because I can’t see right. I blew up and just needed to cool off by sitting my butt in the rain. Eventually, I cooled off and we did a little coupon shopping and got Silk for A and Rice Cereal for E.
But, the mood hadn’t lifted once we got home. Not even a good episode of “The Office” where **SPOILER ALERT** they sing Michael a remake of “Seasons of Love” made me overly happy. We took E up to bed (A BEGGED to stay with my parents tonight) and I fell onto our bed crying because…
* I don’t feel like I am “enough” for my kids. Why would A struggle to kiss me goodnight? Why did the doctor have to tell us AGAIN that E needs to eat more because he’s “under weight”?
* I don’t feel like I have a “niche”–sure, I mommy blog and it’s really for the kids, but there are SO many other great bloggers out there. I coupon, but the stores don’t consider me one of their “coupon queens”.
* I don’t feel like I have the work-life balance I feel like I have (I know that makes no sense) when I know there is so much more I can be giving work than I already do yet there is so much more I can be giving my family?
* I don’t feel like I have a handle on our money, although I am making more than I’ve ever made in my life and have just 6 more payments left before I pay off those pesky credit cards that got me in trouble. And can I mention the price of gas climbing and making it harder to take the kids to the park, visit my parents (let alone Greg’s!), or coupon?!??!!
* I don’t have my paperwork organized. What if we got audited? What if something happened to me? What if we for some reason needed document 7 article b 3 a from Ari’s adoption or that magazine subscription receipt from 2006?
* I don’t feel like my body is working with me, but against me. Some of you know, I am suffering from Vertigo and seeing an Ear, Nose, & Throat doctor. There is no direct trigger, it’s pretty much constant, so the doctor has me scheduled for a balance test Tuesday. Well, I haven’t been driving since the diagnosis almost two weeks ago and the past few days my eyes haven’t been working the same. Sometimes I see something far away and think it’s really close, when other times I see something close and think it’s really far away. Randomly, words slur. My nausea is just about at the level it was during pregnancy (but I am always hungry). My body craves sleep, but doesn’t let me get a good dose. Ok, enough whining.
So, I broke down and just let G stare at me for a few minutes. Neither of us talked, but we knew I wasn’t right. Thankfully, I have the strength. I have two beautiful children who do love me, a wonderful husband who supports me and goes above and beyond for our family. I have an amazing group of people who are my family–specifically my parents, in-laws, brother, and sisters (in-law), and best friends who I can connect with after months and it feels like just yesterday since we’ve been apart. I have blogger friends, Twitter friends, and work friends who I am sure I’d love to be friends with IRL (in real life). I have a Savior who died for me, to forgive my sins.
Tonight, I remember that I can’t do it all, and I certainly can’t do it alone. Tonight, I will try to make it end good (even if that means reading a few of your stellar blogs while I scarf down a bowl of ice cream). Tonight, I will ask for your prayers that I can realize my strength and potential AND that I am just suffering from a momentary physical impairment. But most importantly, tonight, I am going to turn it all over to God, because He alone can take my broken parts and make them whole.